Your Last Day.....

Well, I wish I was writing to you from a place of great happiness and joy, but this blog is sort of somber. I have had a very happy and great summer thus far, but this month always trips me up.

In the past month, I've had at least one person a week ask me about being adopted. It makes me wonder if God is urging me to continue on to find out more about my "story." Someone asked me a question that has never been asked of me in 31 years. "Do you hate your birth mother for giving you away?" Wow. I'd never even thought of that before. No. I don't. As a mom myself, I know that that act alone is one of the greatest acts of love. How difficult to give away the tiny life you had with you for 9 months. :(

This month marks the 20 year anniversary of my brother's death. There are so many people around me dealing with the death of a loved one lately. There are a few things I never say: "I know just how you feel." "It'll be fine." "You'll be fine." "It'll get better." and my favorite - the generic "I'll pray for you." Not to discredit those that are truly praying, but it's like people are just afraid to dive into that sea of sorrow with you. After all, their lives pick right back up and become normal. Your life, on the other hand, has to become a new normal. I truly just want to find a way to leave a legacy to my brother and my family - maybe with the writing of my book, maybe with something else. I am determined to continue on the journey of a greater understanding and a way to ease that scar that is still on my heart. 

I was visiting an artist's page and found a song called "Your Last Day." Wow. It brought tears to my eyes and gave me a new perspective on life/death and my adoption. I know it was not a coincidence - as is nothing in my life thus far. 

Here are the lyrics:

Your Last Day

I’d take you in my arms
I’d hold you close to me, for all the world to see
I’d sit and watch the waves
Say, “I love you more than life, love you more than I can say”

All the time I spent just wasting away
This is how I should have lived; this is how you have to stay

Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day

I’d kiss you with my heart
Say “be happy for always, and don’t forget to pray”
I’d watch the sunrise
And look deep into your eyes, tell you not to cry

All the time I spent just wasting away
This is how I should have lived; this is how you have to stay

Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day

You’ve given me more than I wished for
Please forgive me if I ever wanted more
Chorus
Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day


Please go listen to this song.....Danny Wood is the artist.......

I'm Fat.

Yep. I am fat. :) No arguments.

For all my blog peeps out there, this is what I've been up to the past 3 weeks. (You didn't really think I've just been a couch potato the whole summer, did you? )

The Girls: Madison has been sick off and on for the past 2 weeks. First a rash, then a tender stomach, then some other stomach issues, some numbness in her arms and legs. We took her to the dr. twice and did extensive blood work once, only for us to know "it's just a virus." At least both mono tests were negative. She's slowly on the mend, but still running a slight fever and tires easily. We had to postpone our NM trip due to her illness, but we're planning on going in the next few months to visit family. Avery is officially potty trained! We have seen V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! :) This is one of the best milestone's in a parent's life!!! ;)

I've started a new workout regimen. I usually run/walk about 25 minutes a day and then come home to do weights and abs for a 60 min total work out. I have discovered a new DVD that guides me through weights and it kicks my butt! I love it because it's fast paced and doesn't mess around. I first discovered Jackie Warner a few years ago on Bravo. Her tv show, Workout, revolves around her gym, her trainers, and her drama. What can I say? It's my guilty little pleasure, and greatly motivating for my own workout plan.

So, I've been doing this type of workout consistently with healthy eating for about 12 weeks. I'd really like to find some sort of supplement besides my energy drink that will help me lose fat, build muscle and pump up my metabolism. If you have any suggestions, please send me the info! I know that my body is slowly reshaping itself, but it's taking a FREAKING long time to get to my goal and the scale is my biggest enemy right now. Yes, I'm still fat compared to my own standards. I know my body, I know it's capabilities and I know that I'm not at my best yet. But I will be.

A few weeks ago, I went back to school for a week (M-F) from 9-3. One of the greatest things about teaching is that I always feel like a student myself. When I graduated I made a goal of being a "lifelong learner" and my new job has allowed me to do just that. My school district sent a few of us to a "Final Cut Pro" Training. We, basically, learned all the ins and outs of the same software that the big movie people use to make tv shows like The Monk, commercials and even movies that you see on the big screen. It was AMAZING to see how they do all those things I, as a movie goer, take for granted. We actually worked with some footage from The Monk and learned some amazing things that I will be able to pass on to my students next year. I crammed my brain with information every night and stayed up until at least 12 am. At the end of the week, we took a certification exam. Unfortunately, I did not pass, but I came within 10 points. I remind myself that 5 days before I sat down to the test that I had never opened this piece of software. I know that I did my best and will have an opportunity to retake it again after 6-9 months of actually using it on a daily basis.

I'm reading/listening to a book called Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I began watching his program on the Fox Business Channel and wow. He is point blank honest and to the point. His thought is that many people are "financially fat" and have convinced themselves that if they "suck in" they are "okay." His ideas are simple but harder than the Jackie Warner workout! I would go into detail about why I felt the need to do this, but sparing you the details is better for me. ;) I'll just say that Paul and I have discovered just how "fat" we are financially and we've put together a plan to "lose the weight" and "live like no one else so that later we can LIVE LIKE NO ONE ELSE!" We don't use credit cards ever - and haven't since around 2003. But there are other things that we do either because we think we "need" it or because it's what "everyone else does." Paul and I have just started with this uphill battle, but I think it will be soooo worth it in the end. A few things we're thinking of doing - Paul getting another job part time to help us start our momentum for the program; signing up for Financial Peace University classes in September.

So, in a nutshell, here is my summer list of must haves - you know I never discover something and not share it with you guys! Some of the things are mentioned above and some are not......

Workout: One on One Training with Jackie Warner

Workout Season 3

Apple - Final Cut Pro 6

iPod Touch

Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey

A.C.T. Energy Drink

Black Gold on tru TV - I grew up around this stuff and it makes me miss home more than ever!

Homemade Crayons

Recycle!!!!

La Madeline - Mediterranean Salad! yum-o!

Edamame

I'll be in Austin for the weekend and next week for Apple Leopard Training......I'm sure I'll have something to blog about when I return form the state's top music scene!!!

Have a great week!

Tisha

Big Kids See Police

I'm sure you're thinking that I'm smokin something with the title of this blog. It's not strong enough whatever it is. I'm t-minus 3 days and counting. Next week at this time I'll be "free." For a few weeks, I'll have some time off with the girls, time for myself and some time to just relax. Yes, a few weeks. Despite popular critics, teachers DO NOT get off as much time as you'd think for the summer. This summer is busier than most: moving to a new school, wrapping up graduation activities (I'm a sr. sponsor), training for my new job, and starting my new job earlier than the other teachers. Throw in a few different classes with exams, a six flags field trip, and the usual emotional attachment I have with my students and you have a recipe for a CRAZED teacher. :) So, watch out - it's a lllloooonnnnngggg blog.......

Some really cool things have happened this past week, though, and as always I thought I'd share them with all of you. :) Not too sure who "you" are, but I know you're out there, as my counter keeps increasing.

"BIG"
I'm of the past MTV generation. I saw The Real World Season 1 and the infamous "Puck" on Season 3. Since the 90's, MTV has, er, changed for lack of a better word. Now the cool shows are My Super Sweet 16 and Rob and Big. I wouldn't know the slightest thing about either of those shows except for the fact that my students talk about them on occasion. It just so happened that a few weeks ago a student talked of the Rob and Big show so long that I came straight home to google it. Apparently, it's a reality show about Rob (a skater) and Big (his big bodyguard). After one viewing I sensed that it was a pretty harmless show compared to the others. I also realized that I was getting OLD! :)
This past week, another teacher and I took approx. 50 kids to Dallas to take a Microsoft Office certification exam. On the way home, we stopped in Allen at Chick-Fil-A for lunch. While I was waiting for my 6 nugget meal, a student, Andrea, came up to me and asked me if I'd seen Rob and Big.
I replied, "Yes, one episode." She said, "He's (Big) sitting over there in the corner!"
"Go talk to him." (me)
"No!" (her)
I confidently respond, "Well, I'll go talk to him!"

Bailey, another student, told me, "He'll KILL you!" I was still pretty confident, though, and realized that it was time for me to show my students what I teach them everyday - "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

So, I told Andrea to find a table so we could scope out the scene. We sat down and I peered over to Big's table. O-M-G. They weren't kidding. He was BIG! So was his sidekick "BamBam." I noticed that he was sitting with about 5 other gentlemen at 3 different tables.

With each nugget, I realized I was getting more and more nervous. What had I done?! Feel the fear and do it anyway might get me really KILLED! But I decided to prevail. I waited for the signal that Big was finished eating and getting ready to leave, then I pranced over to make my appearance. Little did I know that seconds before, Bam Bam had told a few of the other CHS students to "stop staring."

"Hi! I'm T***** D****** from C**** High School and my students are sooo excited that you're here!"

"You're the teacher?" (friend 1)
"Yes" (me)
"Can I take your class?" (friend 1)

*Andrea had to tell me 20 minutes later what his friend actually meant* ;)

"This young lady and I were wondering if we could take a quick picture with you." (me)
"Sure. You're sitting right here (quickly turning the chair around in front of him)." (Big)
"Ok." (what else would I have said? no?!) (me)

So, as we're taking the picture all the students are watching and start laughing. As I turn around to see what Big was doing behind my back, the picture clicked and he was just sitting there. Turns out he thought it would be funny to pretend to kiss me. For the rest of the day all I heard was "Mrs. D! Big was hitting on you!"





"KIDS"
Recently, I wrote a blog about my fascination with the New Kids on the Block. I said that no matter how much of a bigger nerd it made me, I'd get tickets and go to the concert. Tonight, I accessed their website to find out that they will be here in October! :) After almost 20 years of dreaming of going to a concert, I'm hoping to make that dream a reality!!!! Who knows.....I might even run into them somewhere random. :)


"SEE"
Today, I had a conversation with a student that was a divine moment. It wasn't planned on my part, and it was one of the most impacting conversations on my heart. It reminded me exactly WHY I became a teacher in the first place. I began to see again what was really important. I needed that moment exactly as it came. I had not stopped all week. Not really. I've been running around like a mad, crazy woman trying to get everything finished. Afterwards, I was so touched that when I finally sat down and was "still" I began to cry. I left for lunch early, and took a few moments for reflection. What I saw was the same 17 year old girl who wanted to make a difference in the world, if only a small difference; I saw that change happens and even when we think we're ready, we aren't always ready to say "goodbye"; I saw that just one or two humble encounters with students is enough for me to be satisfied with a job well done!

"POLICE"
My husband is the luckiest man in the world. No, not just because he's married to me, but honestly because he is lucky. Since I've known him, he wins all sorts of things and usually finds $$ while walking in parking lots. In the past few years, we've been to 2 professional basketball games with suite tickets. He usually knows some random

obscure fact about sports that no one else can answer. This time, however, he was just plain prepared when opportunity struck.

Tuesday morning on the way to school, I was listening to my usual radio station and heard that they were giving away tickets to a concert. Unfortunately I didn't know the answer to the question, but thought how cool it would be to see this group in concert. A few hours later, Paul called me to tell me that he won tickets to see The Police! He was caller 1! In the DFW area, that's freakin' amazing!!!! :) So, last night we enjoyed an unplanned date night out! He also brought home my newly fixed ring, which looks like a completely new ring. The night was fun, the breeze was just right, and Sting rocked the house!

 

Stop and Smell the Roses

It's been quite a long time since I've posted a serious MySpace blog. For the past week, I've been inspired by many things and so I thought I'd share them for those that are interested.

I've heard many things that have stopped me in my tracks. My new quote "When you become comfortable of uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life" is one of those thoughts. We have a difficult time getting out of that "comfort zone" anytime it comes to taking risks in relationships, careers, or life decisions. Once we are "ok" with the not knowing and once we realize that change is constant, great, abundant things begin happening in our lives.

Last night I watched a movie (Things We Lost in the Fire) and it had me sobbing many times throughout. It reiterated the thought I tried to get across in my last blog (Lost). Things are far less important when we have our life, our breath, and each other. It touched a deep wound on my heart and made me rethink what's important.

Yesterday a few of my students began asking about my adoption, my family, my brothers and, finally, the loss of my brother. I ended up sharing with them far more than I'd ever expected. I still cry when I see a particular vehicle on the road. Mainly, because I am revisiting those emotions and acknowledging how long it took me to get to where I am now. It was a long, painful journey. My students reactions were what I expected - "You should write a book!" "You have so much to share!" I've heard it all before. Yes, I've started a book - 2 chapters and a title. If anything it will be something for my girls to remember me by and a great tribute to my brother's short life.

It will be 20 years in July since I saw my brother last. This week his memory seems to be appearing more than normal for whatever reason. I've made a vow once more just as I did 20 years ago: Stop and Smell the Roses. This was the theme at my brother's funeral and just as we all do, I sometimes forget how precious a life I have. Screaming girls, dinner cooking, chores to be done, working-mom guilt, fitting in all the calls to family or friends - this is real life, folks, and if we don't learn to cherish even these moments, the greater ones will pass us by, anyway.

Today, during a visit with a dear, close friend, I caught a picture of my Avery. She was smelling the roses. I don't share this often, but she so much reminds me of my brother, John. Her vivacious personality, her smile, her energy, her mischief.

I hope that many of you will remember to stop and smell the roses, as well. Gratitude is the surest way to infinite happiness.

Bloggity-Blog

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog. I just felt the need to blog. So, here I am.

This morning I experienced a few symptoms that I had before I got off of the medicine I discussed a few weeks ago. I've never been an anxious person, but this morning I realized just how much anxiety my meds caused. It was controllable, but frustrating all the same. I feel bad for people who have to deal with that on a very daily basis. I felt a rush of panic and even the thought of taking the girls to school heightened the intensity. I let myself feel it and worked through it after recognizing it, but it just reiterated the fact to me that the things we put into our bodies alter everything -even 5 weeks post-removal.

I'm still working on my weight-loss journey b/c of the meds. I see pics of myself last year and realize how great I looked even though I didn't feel it. Now I feel much better but have the lasting symtpoms to deal with. I'm working out for 40 min-60 min each morning at 5:30. It's a lot of work and takes so much motivation, but I know soon I'll see many more results. I am down about 10lbs since I first went to the dr. Progress!

Maddie has been working on a science project for school. She had to collect 10 bugs and display them. I didn't realize all the work it took just for a simple project. It has been a LONG time since I've thought about science projects. :) She had a great time finding them and labeling them, though, and Avery was fascinated by them.

Our potty training venture is still in progress. We're doing better, but I don't think our mission will be complete until I'm able to be home 24/7 with the girls again.

This past week was TAKS. My first reaction is "ugh!" But it did allow me the opportunity to spend some time with students I don't normally have and a time to bond over movies and cards with those that I already do see. I learned a new fun game called "ERS" and realized how much I love the movie Transformers this week!

Yesterday we spent the morning/afternoon at church. For the first time in my life, I really and truly enjoy the church I'm attending. I don't know if my reading of A New Earth has helped me tune into a deeper level of my beliefs and spirtuality, but I see so many new things with a different perspective. Jesus is such an amazing teacher!

We had the chance to see the construction crew lift and mount the cross that will go on our new church building. Dr. Jack Graham was there leading "Old Rugged Cross" and the girls were in awe of the giant metal structure being set on the roof. :)

Lost

I'm sure I'm not alone when I tell you that I've lost many things in my life. The biggest was when I lost my brother. One minute he was there with me, the next he was gone and a new life began forming without him. I had been so identified with my role as the big sister of two brothers that it was painful to figure out who I was without him.

I can think of another time when I lost my senior ring. Wow. My parents paid a lot for me to be able to wear it and I just lost it. I panicked and took hours to go back to parking lots to search. Eventually, a friend and I found it in the grass by my car. However, for those few hours nothing could take my mind off of what I'd lost. I was so identified with the possession of it (or maybe the amount of trouble I'd be in) that I thought of nothing else.

As some of you know, I've finished reading A New Earth and have now moved on to listening to the podcasts while I run in the mornings. At first it was only for 20 minutes, but now I'm up to working out about 45 minutes to an hour each morning at 5:30. I recently took note of this quote, "Do you realize that you will have to let go at some point, perhaps quite soon? How much more time do you need before you will be ready to let go? Will you become less when you let go of it? Has who you are become diminished by the loss? "

This morning I had to ask myself these same questions. My diamond from my engagement ring fell out without my knowledge. A student pointed it out to me and I immediately grew tense. I thought to myself, "How will I ever find that? I've been to the track, 2 schools, a few parking lots and another house all the time getting in and out, in and out. That was just from 5:30-8 am." As I was calling Paul, another student said, "Is this it?" SHE FOUND IT! :)

But then I started thinking that having that ring or not doesn't make me any less married. It is greatly sentimental to me. It doesn't erase my relationship with Paul, though. It is not/was not my identity. I would be able to live w/out it. After all, I am not my things. None of us are, but so many of us believe that our worth is in what we own, what we have. Many people believe that just because some people don't own the best, they are not worthy of conversation, love, or courtesy.

I brought up the above quote for the simple fact that the subject was actually a story about a lady who lost her grandmother's ring. She lost it, but in turn learned that she was not her things. She learned that "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

Three is the Magic Number

Avery turns 3 on Thursday. I can't believe it was that many years ago that we were in the delivery room, her arrival just a few seconds away. I remember vividly that we were talking about the Mavs in the playoffs, explaining how the name "Avery" wasn't for Avery Johnson and watching the coverage of the pope's inauguration. "We" meaning my doctor and myself. LOL! This pregnancy and delivery was way more "fun" than with Maddie. I was feeling great and ready to see my Avy Faith.
Here are some Avery-isms that have been memorable the past week:

1. There's a thunder monster under my bed! (referring to the thunderstorm)

2. Mama, I so proud of you, baby girl. ( not sure what I did, but she was repeating what I always tell her)

3. Am I gonna have my pahty (party) at the pahk (park)? Can we go in the cah(car)?

4. Chahley's (Charley) a bobcat, mom! (she learned this British accent that she continually uses in sporadic places)

5. Why does the cow go moo, moo, moo? (I don't know.) POPCORN!

6. What's the cow's favorite snack? (I don't know. ) POPCORN!

We've just embarked on the potty training era of our lives once more. Hopefully, it will not be a long drawn out process. Our days are now full of timers, potties in select styles, panties of all sorts, stickers, sticker charts and wipes - lots and lots of wipes. :)

Here's to my crazy, stunning, fun girl, Avery ~ I love you madly, too, sister!