For my teen readers, this is not like when you get "grounded" for being out past curfew. :)
By "grounded" I mean - going deep within, rediscovering the foundation of our lives, re-centering your core.
When I recently went on my "myspace diet" many of my "friends" asked me not to be gone for too long. Though flattered that they enjoy my virtual company, I knew that I needed to disengage myself from the practice of social networking and all the noise of my life.
In my previous post, I shared with you that July is a difficult month for me for many reasons, but mainly b/c this is the month I lost my brother. Certain things happen during this month that I am usually not aware of -
- I push everyone away - even those closest to me
- I find more negative thoughts fill my head
- I avoid any social setting
- I become more angry
- I distance myself from everything and everyone
All of these things I have noticed I do, but usually only after the month is over do I see how my actions have taken over. I'm willing to bet that I've done all of these things since I was 11 as a sort of coping mechanism. This year, though, I have focused much of my time reading and practicing how to be present and conscious. This is the reason that I have stopped most contact via e-mail, myspace, or facebook with everyone I know. It isn't that I don't want to see or talk to you - I just have to revert within to refocus my soul and get myself to a new level of awareness. Even after 20 years, I still deal with the "new normal." I know I'm not alone.
Within the next week, I will continue with my plans to go to NM to visit my parents. Going to see them has always been bittersweet. We've all been through so much during our time together, but it's also comforting to know that in at least one place in the world, I'm still the "kid." Nevertheless, I have to mentally prepare myself before going for a visit b/c as with most of you I'm sure - old scars burn and past feelings arise. I know I'm leaving out a lot of details, but those that know me and my story understand.
I'm also spending time preparing myself for the new challenges that face me in the new world of my job. The politics, the barriers, the teachers, the students, and myself.
So for now, I'm spending a lot of time reading uplifting spiritual writings that heal my heart, watching movies with my all time favorite leading man/singer in them (Hi Harry! maybe he's reading this right now!), and listening to music that heals the soul. Above all else, though, I'm letting my girls heal me in the way that nothing else can - with smiles, giggles and outbursts of love.
Lately music speaks to me in ways that no one ever can. I will leave you now with another song's lyrics that explain my place in this moment:
"Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow so it resonates
It's time to rest, no to sleep away
My thoughts alone try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
and be myself, not impersonate
I tried so hard no to walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on just the same
I've always been strong, but can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming,
I'm so tired of running
I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will help me turn the page
The laughing stock I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me
Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth I've known
And it's you"
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