Her being me. What *is* going on in my world right now? For the past 2 weeks, I've had insomnia. I don't know what is at the root of my anxiety. I am so tired. More tired than you can imagine getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I pass my time checking e-mail, surfing the net, listening to music, chatting with new and old friends, and writing.
I can't put my finger on the reason that I cannot close my eyes. I could give you lots of guesses, but I won't go there. Bottom line - the weeks leading up to July 26th are weird for me. Those who have suffered any type of loss may understand; others may not. It's so hard to explain and words are so limiting. As much as I love writing and the benefits of the art, it limits me so much, especially now. (right, John?) Is it a coincidence that my brother's name was John?
Coincidences. When I was a kid I knew I would live a life of greatness. When I was in my teens I knew I would teach. Even my teachers didn't believe it was possible. When I was in my 20's I was sure someone would write a book and I would be in it. Most laughed. When I was 30 I was certain I'd meet my fav musician. Even my own husband doubted it. All of those things happened and then some. I don't believe in coincidences or random meetings. I know without a doubt that every single person that I have contact with was meant to be a part of my path at that exact moment. No accidents. I believe the exchanges are meant to be helpful for both people.
I'm writing a book. It's been on my mind so much the past 2 weeks. I have a new idea for another chapter. I want so much for this book to help others including me, but after 3 years of trying to write here and there I wonder if the book will ever be born.
Tonight I want to cry. Big, giant, wailing tears. I know the reason, but let fear push it all away. I'm always the one to put the big smile on. Always the one to see the positive. Never questioning, but reassuring myself and all around me that everything happens for a reason. This week I still have difficulty with that concept and my heart cries "Why" like raindrops falling from the sky furiously.
The chapter of the book I was in was called "The Power of Letting Go." The song that is playing in my ear right now is "Let Him Lead."
I will.
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