Presents or Presence?

32 years ago on Friday, I began my journey called "life." 31 has sort of been a reality check year for me. I'm sure from previous blogs any of my readers could have called that, especially if you read through them carefully. In a perfect world, my whole life would've taken a much different path. 

But this is not a perfect world and we do not live perfect lives. We go through many emotions as we grow older: happiness, sadness, disappointment, thankfulness, discovery, anger, relief, excitement, grief, love.........the list goes on and on and usually in a different order for everyone and always more than once. 

I feel a noble responsibility to reflect on my life each year that I celebrate a birthday and so this year isn't any different. I think that with the reflection time we are able to learn the lessons we were intended to take with us on our journey and share them with those that we encounter along the way. As I see and live those lessons, I'm humbled by the love that surrounds and encompasses me no matter what is going on and no matter where I am standing. 

One lesson I've learned this past year was to be present. To just "be." To breathe. To listen to myself and not drown emotions out with the noise of the world. As I began to do this, I began to see things in a different perspective. I began to clear my mind and see the bigger picture. I began to see things change around me. 

As difficult as the past year has been, especially the past few months, I'm thankful for all that it brought me - lessons, friends, love, happiness, thankfulness and acknowledgement. I acknowledge that I'm not perfect, that life isn't perfect, and that not being perfect is OK. I know that deep within my soul now. Perfection doesn't mean happiness or fulfillment. 

So, what does this year's birthday reflect for me? Well, instead of presents, all I truly need is PRESENCE. I know I need the presence of those that love me, the presence of those that bring a positive energy into my life, the presence of being and being ok with how NOT perfect each day can be. It is with the NOT-perfectness that brings about all the lessons, love, and laughter. :) 

Here's to living 32 not perfect years . . . . . 

Life Happens

As I've always said before, I will blog in the good and blog in the bad. For the most part that is the truth. Though the months have passed and life has "happened," I've finally made it back. :) 

I have not blogged since my very last visit back home. As you may recall, I discussed the importance of taking a step back, breathing, and being grounded. Very soon after my visit, I began working on the book I've been writing for several years. As I read back through that writing today, I'm reminded of what I wrote: "I believe that when we are grounded, as we should be, God directs our steps and all that we encounter and experience are meant to be." 

In the past 4 month, I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about life, marriage, family, friends, and myself. I've learned a lot about those people in my life that are most important to me and at the same time I've learned a lot about those people that are considered simply acquaintances. 

I find it interesting that some people do not keep in touch until something different is going on in your life. Then, as they find out that many drastic changes have been happening, they react as if they were entitled to always know what was going on or they react with confusion and wonder why you wouldn't tell them what was happening while it was happening. 

My reflection is that those really close to you have walked with you through those changes, so they never feel that anything is "drastic." Several years ago I learned an important lesson about friends. Friends do NOT leave you standing in your pain. Those that do were not your true friends. Since then, I'm very careful with whom I choose to discuss personal matters. I have been extremely blessed to have a couple of really great, true, loyal, and dedicated friends. It's taken me almost 30 years to find the kind of friendships that I only read or heard about. 

With that being said, I've also learned that it sometimes takes 30 years for a person to realize that something isn't right, to realize that giving a good try is good enough, that being complacent or unhappy isn't always the best option for everyone. I've learned that no one, NO ONE, can truly judge another because they have not walked in their shoes. 

This is the case with Paul and me. As many of you have noticed, our marriage has ended, our family has changed, our lives have taken a different path. Reactions have been vast. Some are shocked, some are not surprised at all, some are taking sides, some are hopeful, some are saddened, some feel they know what's best for us, some believe they truly know us even though they've never spent more than an hour or two with us and our girls. I do understand  that it's people's nature to be curious and ask questions. I'm ok with that. However, I will not go into detail. Those that know us, know our story, know our truth, know what lies ahead. I will not apologize to those that don't. This is a very private matter for us, especially as the girls are involved.

Know this, though, we are ok. The girls, Paul, and myself are all at a point of transition and are doing well, for the most part. We each have the love and support of families and friends and the girls have an abundance of love from so many people in our lives. There have been bumps along the way as would be expected in any situation similar to ours. However, life still goes on. In my experience, as long as we are still alive there are lessons to learn, moments to live and love to give. 

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

1300 miles

2 States

20 towns

5 great friends

1 divine connection

and....we're back! :) We've been gone for 6 days on a road trip to visit family and friends back home in W. Texas and NM. I took pictures for all you visual people out there, so be looking for those. They'll be up soon. 

I call this entry "follow the yellow brick road" because my visit back home was very healing as it always has been. I forget this every year until I actually drive into town. I love driving the long road once I get out of the fast lane of the metroplex. There is nothing like driving for miles and seeing only one car in the midst of the deep blue sky and the wide open road. I could see for miles upon end. As it is a very long drive, I spend most of my time listening to music while the girls watch movies or sleep and this year was no different. What do I listen to you ask? Well, here is a small sample of what is on my iPod playlist: 

Harry Connick, Jr

Danny Wood

Shaun Barrowes

Madonna

Blink 182

Poison

Keane

James Taylor

The Police

Regina Spektor

David Crowder Band

Blue October

Secondhand Serenade

R.E.M.

Bowling for Soup

Chris Brown

Nirvana

Tupac and Dr. Dre

Switchfoot

During my time away I experienced many divine moments that were very personal and comforting to me. I was reminded of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Avery watches this movie at least once a week and has been talking about being Dorothy for Halloween for a year. She has it all planned out, and humorously asked me this week if we would paint her a yellow brick road for her to follow during trick or treating. :) 

Dorothy follows the road and continues on her search for The Wizard, so that she may return back to KS. What she doesn't realize until the very end is the power to return home is right there within her. It really is simply up to her. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about getting grounded. I have discovered that my visit back home during this week specifically was a divine intervention. It was significant because I spent time in my hometown exactly 20 years after my brother died. Going back home was a part of my getting grounded cleanse.

I found that while I was there among the mountain tops of NM and the starry, cool sky of W. Texas I was finding my own yellow brick road. I was able to focus on the good things in life: friends, family, and nature. It sometimes takes going away from your comfort zone to re-center your soul.  I kept a continuous banter going about how unbelievable it was that people in these areas could even survive without Wi-Fi or even a computer in their home. Many didn't even know what Wi-Fi was when I asked! What?!?! You mean families can survive if they don't have a one-to-one computer scenario in their home? 

The girls enjoyed time with my parents in NM and spent many hours playing at the parks and taking full advantage of being spoiled. Tuesday afternoon, we headed back to Texas. 

The girls love playing with my close friends' kids and so they were so excited to be back in my hometown. We stopped for our usual famous snow cone from the little stand that I have been going to for almost 15 years. Avery got a dreamsicle and I had a fresh lemon squeeze, my all time favorite, that cannot be found anywhere within a 50 mile radius from my home now. 

As we stopped at the local Wal-Mart and the local convenience store and drove through town, I noticed how laid back everyone was. I made a note of a specific gentleman that stood for at least a minute to hold the door open for us. I am sure that there are far less people here that would do that. I noticed how everyone waves from their car as you pass them even though they don't know you. I noticed that scorpions were more common that I remembered. I noticed that people pull over to the side if they see you're going faster than them.  I noticed that "stickers" are something that I grew up with but something that my girls had no clue about. I noticed the hot days and cool nights. I noticed that these people really know what it means to live instead of living above their means. I noticed that I felt much closer to God when I stopped to breathe in all that surrounded me.  

We visited a former classmate of mine and his mom. While we visited Avery was going on again about how she would be Dorothy for Halloween. So, his mom sat at the piano and played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "We're Off To See The Wizard." It was mesmerizing and magical to watch my girls listen to this song and sing along. It is one of my favorite moments of the year, thus far. 

Another moment will stand out in my mind, as well. I was taking the girls to the restroom at the McDonalds/convenience store, I was listening to a new favorite song "Let Him Lead" and I then began herding the girls back to the car after we checked out. As I walked out, I noticed a guy waving at me. I honestly had no idea who it was, so I did that sort of half way and kept walking. Maddie asked "Who was that?" I said "I have no idea." About that time, I heard my name being called and turned around. Who WAS this guy?! He told me his first name and I was still clueless. Then, with his last name I realized that he was the son of a close family friend. The last time I saw him was at my wedding and he was still a KID. 

I don't think our running into each other was a coincidence, but I ended up leaving without getting his number. I knew that I'd regret leaving town if I didn't try to contact him again. Ironically, he was just a few years younger than my brother, John, and shared the exact same birth day - June 8. I had memories of them playing together for hours with toy dump trucks and backhoes. 9 years after I lost my brother, he lost his dad in a car accident. We have never discussed either event since.  

So, with the simple knowledge of his work place, I sought out to get his number since it was unlisted. I called his place of employment ready to give a long story on why I deserved to have the information, but after simply asking for it, the person on the other end said "Hang on, I'll give you his cell number." In usual W. Texas fashion, everyone knows everyone and so they have no reserve giving out information. ;) 

So, after a few text messages I found myself sitting on the front porch with this friend until late at night. We discussed many things including our experiences with our brother and dad. The stories we exchanged were things that both of us had forgotten. The talk was impacting, healing and definitely meant to be. It was exactly what I needed. 

As I drove out of town the next morning, I smiled. When you give up all control and let Him lead, he directs your path in ways that you could never imagine. 

A World of Her

Her being me. What *is* going on in my world right now? For the past 2 weeks, I've had insomnia. I don't know what is at the root of my anxiety. I am so tired. More tired than you can imagine getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I pass my time checking e-mail, surfing the net, listening to music, chatting with new and old friends, and writing. 

I can't put my finger on the reason that I cannot close my eyes. I could give you lots of guesses, but I won't go there. Bottom line - the weeks leading up to July 26th are weird for me. Those who have suffered any type of loss may understand; others may not. It's so hard to explain and words are so limiting. As much as I love writing and the benefits of the art, it limits me so much, especially now. (right, John?) Is it a coincidence that my brother's name was John? 

Coincidences. When I was a kid I knew I would live a life of greatness. When I was in my teens I knew I would teach. Even my teachers didn't believe it was possible. When I was in my 20's I was sure someone would write a book and I would be in it. Most laughed. When I was 30 I was certain I'd meet my fav musician. Even my own husband doubted it. All of those things happened and then some. I don't believe in coincidences or random meetings. I know without a doubt that every single person that I have contact with was meant to be a part of my path at that exact moment. No accidents. I believe the exchanges are meant to be helpful for both people. 

I'm writing a book. It's been on my mind so much the past 2 weeks. I have a new idea for another chapter. I want so much for this book to help others including me, but after 3 years of trying to write here and there I wonder if the book will ever be born. 

Tonight I want to cry. Big, giant, wailing tears. I know the reason, but let fear push it all away. I'm always the one to put the big smile on. Always the one to see the positive. Never questioning, but reassuring myself and all around me that everything happens for a reason. This week I still have difficulty with that concept and my heart cries "Why" like raindrops falling from the sky furiously. 

The chapter of the book I was in was called "The Power of Letting Go." The song that is playing in my ear right now is "Let Him Lead."

I will. 

Arms and Legs

Today I'm doing all the normal steps when getting ready for a trip: doing laundry, cleaning, packing, making lists. As I do this, I work on continuing to be grounded and grateful. I realize I'm quite thankful for many things, especially the small things like arms and legs (lol!): 

1. The ability to stay home with my girls more often than not

2. Dr. Pepper Jelly Belly  jellybeans

3. Gas when it was $2.89 (I'm just thankful it's not $4.05 here YET)

4. Accidentally finding baby books, homemade cards, and first curls - so soft

5. Friends that have been there through my chubby preteen phase all the way through my mommy phase

6. Surprise messages from people who I would never guess would write 

7. My favorite hats - NOLA and Red Sox

8. The feel of running through the rain - yesterday

9. MK's Mineral Powder and MACs Lip Gloss

10. Compliments from strangers 

I've always said gratitude generates greatness and so every so often I try to practice my own advice.  

Getting Grounded

For my teen readers, this is not like when you get "grounded" for being out past curfew. :) 

By "grounded" I mean - going deep within, rediscovering the foundation of our lives, re-centering your core. 

When I recently went on my "myspace diet" many of my "friends" asked me not to be gone for too long. Though flattered that they enjoy my virtual company, I knew that I needed to disengage myself from the practice of social networking and all the noise of my life. 

In my previous post, I shared with you that July is a difficult month for me for many reasons, but mainly b/c this is the month I lost my brother. Certain things happen during this month that I am usually not aware of - 

- I push everyone away - even those closest to me

- I find more negative thoughts fill my head

- I avoid any social setting

- I become more angry 

- I distance myself from everything and everyone

All of these things I have noticed I do, but usually only after the month is over do I see how my actions have taken over. I'm willing to bet that I've done all of these things since I was 11 as a sort of coping mechanism. This year, though, I have focused much of my time reading and practicing how to be present and conscious. This is the reason that I have stopped most contact via e-mail, myspace, or facebook with everyone I know. It isn't that I don't want to see or talk to you - I just have to revert within to refocus my soul and get myself to a new level of awareness. Even after 20 years, I still deal with the "new normal." I know I'm not alone. 

Within the next week, I will continue with my plans to go to NM to visit my parents. Going to see them has always been bittersweet. We've all been through so much during our time together, but it's also comforting to know that in at least one place in the world, I'm still the "kid." Nevertheless, I have to mentally prepare myself before going for a visit b/c as with most of you I'm sure - old scars burn and past feelings arise. I know I'm leaving out a lot of details, but those that know me and my story understand. 

I'm also spending time preparing myself for the new challenges that face me in the new world of my job. The politics, the barriers, the teachers, the students, and myself. 

So for now, I'm spending a lot of time reading uplifting spiritual writings that heal my heart, watching movies with my all time favorite leading man/singer in them (Hi Harry! maybe he's reading this right now!), and listening to music that heals the soul.  Above all else, though, I'm letting my girls heal me in the way that nothing else can - with smiles, giggles and outbursts of love. 

Lately music speaks to me in ways that no one ever can. I will leave you now with another song's lyrics that explain my place in this moment: 

Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Krutch

"Taking hold, breaking in

The pressures all need to circulate

Mesmerized and taken in

Moving slow so it resonates

It's time to rest, no to sleep away

My thoughts alone try to complicate

I'll do my best, to seek you out

and be myself, not impersonate

I tried so hard no to walk away

And when things don't go my way

I'll still carry on just the same

I've always been strong, but can't make this happen

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in

The fear of becoming, 

I'm so tired of running

I'm going in, so cover me

Your compass will help me turn the page

The laughing stock I'll never be

Because I won't let them take me

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me

Through the highs and lows there's a truth I've known

And it's you"

Your Last Day.....

Well, I wish I was writing to you from a place of great happiness and joy, but this blog is sort of somber. I have had a very happy and great summer thus far, but this month always trips me up.

In the past month, I've had at least one person a week ask me about being adopted. It makes me wonder if God is urging me to continue on to find out more about my "story." Someone asked me a question that has never been asked of me in 31 years. "Do you hate your birth mother for giving you away?" Wow. I'd never even thought of that before. No. I don't. As a mom myself, I know that that act alone is one of the greatest acts of love. How difficult to give away the tiny life you had with you for 9 months. :(

This month marks the 20 year anniversary of my brother's death. There are so many people around me dealing with the death of a loved one lately. There are a few things I never say: "I know just how you feel." "It'll be fine." "You'll be fine." "It'll get better." and my favorite - the generic "I'll pray for you." Not to discredit those that are truly praying, but it's like people are just afraid to dive into that sea of sorrow with you. After all, their lives pick right back up and become normal. Your life, on the other hand, has to become a new normal. I truly just want to find a way to leave a legacy to my brother and my family - maybe with the writing of my book, maybe with something else. I am determined to continue on the journey of a greater understanding and a way to ease that scar that is still on my heart. 

I was visiting an artist's page and found a song called "Your Last Day." Wow. It brought tears to my eyes and gave me a new perspective on life/death and my adoption. I know it was not a coincidence - as is nothing in my life thus far. 

Here are the lyrics:

Your Last Day

I’d take you in my arms
I’d hold you close to me, for all the world to see
I’d sit and watch the waves
Say, “I love you more than life, love you more than I can say”

All the time I spent just wasting away
This is how I should have lived; this is how you have to stay

Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day

I’d kiss you with my heart
Say “be happy for always, and don’t forget to pray”
I’d watch the sunrise
And look deep into your eyes, tell you not to cry

All the time I spent just wasting away
This is how I should have lived; this is how you have to stay

Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day

You’ve given me more than I wished for
Please forgive me if I ever wanted more
Chorus
Tell me what you’d do if this were your last day to love
Will you look up high above?
Tell me what you’ll feel if this is your last day to live
But there’s so much more for you, for you to give
This is you last day


Please go listen to this song.....Danny Wood is the artist.......

I'm Fat.

Yep. I am fat. :) No arguments.

For all my blog peeps out there, this is what I've been up to the past 3 weeks. (You didn't really think I've just been a couch potato the whole summer, did you? )

The Girls: Madison has been sick off and on for the past 2 weeks. First a rash, then a tender stomach, then some other stomach issues, some numbness in her arms and legs. We took her to the dr. twice and did extensive blood work once, only for us to know "it's just a virus." At least both mono tests were negative. She's slowly on the mend, but still running a slight fever and tires easily. We had to postpone our NM trip due to her illness, but we're planning on going in the next few months to visit family. Avery is officially potty trained! We have seen V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! :) This is one of the best milestone's in a parent's life!!! ;)

I've started a new workout regimen. I usually run/walk about 25 minutes a day and then come home to do weights and abs for a 60 min total work out. I have discovered a new DVD that guides me through weights and it kicks my butt! I love it because it's fast paced and doesn't mess around. I first discovered Jackie Warner a few years ago on Bravo. Her tv show, Workout, revolves around her gym, her trainers, and her drama. What can I say? It's my guilty little pleasure, and greatly motivating for my own workout plan.

So, I've been doing this type of workout consistently with healthy eating for about 12 weeks. I'd really like to find some sort of supplement besides my energy drink that will help me lose fat, build muscle and pump up my metabolism. If you have any suggestions, please send me the info! I know that my body is slowly reshaping itself, but it's taking a FREAKING long time to get to my goal and the scale is my biggest enemy right now. Yes, I'm still fat compared to my own standards. I know my body, I know it's capabilities and I know that I'm not at my best yet. But I will be.

A few weeks ago, I went back to school for a week (M-F) from 9-3. One of the greatest things about teaching is that I always feel like a student myself. When I graduated I made a goal of being a "lifelong learner" and my new job has allowed me to do just that. My school district sent a few of us to a "Final Cut Pro" Training. We, basically, learned all the ins and outs of the same software that the big movie people use to make tv shows like The Monk, commercials and even movies that you see on the big screen. It was AMAZING to see how they do all those things I, as a movie goer, take for granted. We actually worked with some footage from The Monk and learned some amazing things that I will be able to pass on to my students next year. I crammed my brain with information every night and stayed up until at least 12 am. At the end of the week, we took a certification exam. Unfortunately, I did not pass, but I came within 10 points. I remind myself that 5 days before I sat down to the test that I had never opened this piece of software. I know that I did my best and will have an opportunity to retake it again after 6-9 months of actually using it on a daily basis.

I'm reading/listening to a book called Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I began watching his program on the Fox Business Channel and wow. He is point blank honest and to the point. His thought is that many people are "financially fat" and have convinced themselves that if they "suck in" they are "okay." His ideas are simple but harder than the Jackie Warner workout! I would go into detail about why I felt the need to do this, but sparing you the details is better for me. ;) I'll just say that Paul and I have discovered just how "fat" we are financially and we've put together a plan to "lose the weight" and "live like no one else so that later we can LIVE LIKE NO ONE ELSE!" We don't use credit cards ever - and haven't since around 2003. But there are other things that we do either because we think we "need" it or because it's what "everyone else does." Paul and I have just started with this uphill battle, but I think it will be soooo worth it in the end. A few things we're thinking of doing - Paul getting another job part time to help us start our momentum for the program; signing up for Financial Peace University classes in September.

So, in a nutshell, here is my summer list of must haves - you know I never discover something and not share it with you guys! Some of the things are mentioned above and some are not......

Workout: One on One Training with Jackie Warner

Workout Season 3

Apple - Final Cut Pro 6

iPod Touch

Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey

A.C.T. Energy Drink

Black Gold on tru TV - I grew up around this stuff and it makes me miss home more than ever!

Homemade Crayons

Recycle!!!!

La Madeline - Mediterranean Salad! yum-o!

Edamame

I'll be in Austin for the weekend and next week for Apple Leopard Training......I'm sure I'll have something to blog about when I return form the state's top music scene!!!

Have a great week!

Tisha

Big Kids See Police

I'm sure you're thinking that I'm smokin something with the title of this blog. It's not strong enough whatever it is. I'm t-minus 3 days and counting. Next week at this time I'll be "free." For a few weeks, I'll have some time off with the girls, time for myself and some time to just relax. Yes, a few weeks. Despite popular critics, teachers DO NOT get off as much time as you'd think for the summer. This summer is busier than most: moving to a new school, wrapping up graduation activities (I'm a sr. sponsor), training for my new job, and starting my new job earlier than the other teachers. Throw in a few different classes with exams, a six flags field trip, and the usual emotional attachment I have with my students and you have a recipe for a CRAZED teacher. :) So, watch out - it's a lllloooonnnnngggg blog.......

Some really cool things have happened this past week, though, and as always I thought I'd share them with all of you. :) Not too sure who "you" are, but I know you're out there, as my counter keeps increasing.

"BIG"
I'm of the past MTV generation. I saw The Real World Season 1 and the infamous "Puck" on Season 3. Since the 90's, MTV has, er, changed for lack of a better word. Now the cool shows are My Super Sweet 16 and Rob and Big. I wouldn't know the slightest thing about either of those shows except for the fact that my students talk about them on occasion. It just so happened that a few weeks ago a student talked of the Rob and Big show so long that I came straight home to google it. Apparently, it's a reality show about Rob (a skater) and Big (his big bodyguard). After one viewing I sensed that it was a pretty harmless show compared to the others. I also realized that I was getting OLD! :)
This past week, another teacher and I took approx. 50 kids to Dallas to take a Microsoft Office certification exam. On the way home, we stopped in Allen at Chick-Fil-A for lunch. While I was waiting for my 6 nugget meal, a student, Andrea, came up to me and asked me if I'd seen Rob and Big.
I replied, "Yes, one episode." She said, "He's (Big) sitting over there in the corner!"
"Go talk to him." (me)
"No!" (her)
I confidently respond, "Well, I'll go talk to him!"

Bailey, another student, told me, "He'll KILL you!" I was still pretty confident, though, and realized that it was time for me to show my students what I teach them everyday - "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

So, I told Andrea to find a table so we could scope out the scene. We sat down and I peered over to Big's table. O-M-G. They weren't kidding. He was BIG! So was his sidekick "BamBam." I noticed that he was sitting with about 5 other gentlemen at 3 different tables.

With each nugget, I realized I was getting more and more nervous. What had I done?! Feel the fear and do it anyway might get me really KILLED! But I decided to prevail. I waited for the signal that Big was finished eating and getting ready to leave, then I pranced over to make my appearance. Little did I know that seconds before, Bam Bam had told a few of the other CHS students to "stop staring."

"Hi! I'm T***** D****** from C**** High School and my students are sooo excited that you're here!"

"You're the teacher?" (friend 1)
"Yes" (me)
"Can I take your class?" (friend 1)

*Andrea had to tell me 20 minutes later what his friend actually meant* ;)

"This young lady and I were wondering if we could take a quick picture with you." (me)
"Sure. You're sitting right here (quickly turning the chair around in front of him)." (Big)
"Ok." (what else would I have said? no?!) (me)

So, as we're taking the picture all the students are watching and start laughing. As I turn around to see what Big was doing behind my back, the picture clicked and he was just sitting there. Turns out he thought it would be funny to pretend to kiss me. For the rest of the day all I heard was "Mrs. D! Big was hitting on you!"





"KIDS"
Recently, I wrote a blog about my fascination with the New Kids on the Block. I said that no matter how much of a bigger nerd it made me, I'd get tickets and go to the concert. Tonight, I accessed their website to find out that they will be here in October! :) After almost 20 years of dreaming of going to a concert, I'm hoping to make that dream a reality!!!! Who knows.....I might even run into them somewhere random. :)


"SEE"
Today, I had a conversation with a student that was a divine moment. It wasn't planned on my part, and it was one of the most impacting conversations on my heart. It reminded me exactly WHY I became a teacher in the first place. I began to see again what was really important. I needed that moment exactly as it came. I had not stopped all week. Not really. I've been running around like a mad, crazy woman trying to get everything finished. Afterwards, I was so touched that when I finally sat down and was "still" I began to cry. I left for lunch early, and took a few moments for reflection. What I saw was the same 17 year old girl who wanted to make a difference in the world, if only a small difference; I saw that change happens and even when we think we're ready, we aren't always ready to say "goodbye"; I saw that just one or two humble encounters with students is enough for me to be satisfied with a job well done!

"POLICE"
My husband is the luckiest man in the world. No, not just because he's married to me, but honestly because he is lucky. Since I've known him, he wins all sorts of things and usually finds $$ while walking in parking lots. In the past few years, we've been to 2 professional basketball games with suite tickets. He usually knows some random

obscure fact about sports that no one else can answer. This time, however, he was just plain prepared when opportunity struck.

Tuesday morning on the way to school, I was listening to my usual radio station and heard that they were giving away tickets to a concert. Unfortunately I didn't know the answer to the question, but thought how cool it would be to see this group in concert. A few hours later, Paul called me to tell me that he won tickets to see The Police! He was caller 1! In the DFW area, that's freakin' amazing!!!! :) So, last night we enjoyed an unplanned date night out! He also brought home my newly fixed ring, which looks like a completely new ring. The night was fun, the breeze was just right, and Sting rocked the house!

 

Stop and Smell the Roses

It's been quite a long time since I've posted a serious MySpace blog. For the past week, I've been inspired by many things and so I thought I'd share them for those that are interested.

I've heard many things that have stopped me in my tracks. My new quote "When you become comfortable of uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life" is one of those thoughts. We have a difficult time getting out of that "comfort zone" anytime it comes to taking risks in relationships, careers, or life decisions. Once we are "ok" with the not knowing and once we realize that change is constant, great, abundant things begin happening in our lives.

Last night I watched a movie (Things We Lost in the Fire) and it had me sobbing many times throughout. It reiterated the thought I tried to get across in my last blog (Lost). Things are far less important when we have our life, our breath, and each other. It touched a deep wound on my heart and made me rethink what's important.

Yesterday a few of my students began asking about my adoption, my family, my brothers and, finally, the loss of my brother. I ended up sharing with them far more than I'd ever expected. I still cry when I see a particular vehicle on the road. Mainly, because I am revisiting those emotions and acknowledging how long it took me to get to where I am now. It was a long, painful journey. My students reactions were what I expected - "You should write a book!" "You have so much to share!" I've heard it all before. Yes, I've started a book - 2 chapters and a title. If anything it will be something for my girls to remember me by and a great tribute to my brother's short life.

It will be 20 years in July since I saw my brother last. This week his memory seems to be appearing more than normal for whatever reason. I've made a vow once more just as I did 20 years ago: Stop and Smell the Roses. This was the theme at my brother's funeral and just as we all do, I sometimes forget how precious a life I have. Screaming girls, dinner cooking, chores to be done, working-mom guilt, fitting in all the calls to family or friends - this is real life, folks, and if we don't learn to cherish even these moments, the greater ones will pass us by, anyway.

Today, during a visit with a dear, close friend, I caught a picture of my Avery. She was smelling the roses. I don't share this often, but she so much reminds me of my brother, John. Her vivacious personality, her smile, her energy, her mischief.

I hope that many of you will remember to stop and smell the roses, as well. Gratitude is the surest way to infinite happiness.

Bloggity-Blog

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog. I just felt the need to blog. So, here I am.

This morning I experienced a few symptoms that I had before I got off of the medicine I discussed a few weeks ago. I've never been an anxious person, but this morning I realized just how much anxiety my meds caused. It was controllable, but frustrating all the same. I feel bad for people who have to deal with that on a very daily basis. I felt a rush of panic and even the thought of taking the girls to school heightened the intensity. I let myself feel it and worked through it after recognizing it, but it just reiterated the fact to me that the things we put into our bodies alter everything -even 5 weeks post-removal.

I'm still working on my weight-loss journey b/c of the meds. I see pics of myself last year and realize how great I looked even though I didn't feel it. Now I feel much better but have the lasting symtpoms to deal with. I'm working out for 40 min-60 min each morning at 5:30. It's a lot of work and takes so much motivation, but I know soon I'll see many more results. I am down about 10lbs since I first went to the dr. Progress!

Maddie has been working on a science project for school. She had to collect 10 bugs and display them. I didn't realize all the work it took just for a simple project. It has been a LONG time since I've thought about science projects. :) She had a great time finding them and labeling them, though, and Avery was fascinated by them.

Our potty training venture is still in progress. We're doing better, but I don't think our mission will be complete until I'm able to be home 24/7 with the girls again.

This past week was TAKS. My first reaction is "ugh!" But it did allow me the opportunity to spend some time with students I don't normally have and a time to bond over movies and cards with those that I already do see. I learned a new fun game called "ERS" and realized how much I love the movie Transformers this week!

Yesterday we spent the morning/afternoon at church. For the first time in my life, I really and truly enjoy the church I'm attending. I don't know if my reading of A New Earth has helped me tune into a deeper level of my beliefs and spirtuality, but I see so many new things with a different perspective. Jesus is such an amazing teacher!

We had the chance to see the construction crew lift and mount the cross that will go on our new church building. Dr. Jack Graham was there leading "Old Rugged Cross" and the girls were in awe of the giant metal structure being set on the roof. :)

Lost

I'm sure I'm not alone when I tell you that I've lost many things in my life. The biggest was when I lost my brother. One minute he was there with me, the next he was gone and a new life began forming without him. I had been so identified with my role as the big sister of two brothers that it was painful to figure out who I was without him.

I can think of another time when I lost my senior ring. Wow. My parents paid a lot for me to be able to wear it and I just lost it. I panicked and took hours to go back to parking lots to search. Eventually, a friend and I found it in the grass by my car. However, for those few hours nothing could take my mind off of what I'd lost. I was so identified with the possession of it (or maybe the amount of trouble I'd be in) that I thought of nothing else.

As some of you know, I've finished reading A New Earth and have now moved on to listening to the podcasts while I run in the mornings. At first it was only for 20 minutes, but now I'm up to working out about 45 minutes to an hour each morning at 5:30. I recently took note of this quote, "Do you realize that you will have to let go at some point, perhaps quite soon? How much more time do you need before you will be ready to let go? Will you become less when you let go of it? Has who you are become diminished by the loss? "

This morning I had to ask myself these same questions. My diamond from my engagement ring fell out without my knowledge. A student pointed it out to me and I immediately grew tense. I thought to myself, "How will I ever find that? I've been to the track, 2 schools, a few parking lots and another house all the time getting in and out, in and out. That was just from 5:30-8 am." As I was calling Paul, another student said, "Is this it?" SHE FOUND IT! :)

But then I started thinking that having that ring or not doesn't make me any less married. It is greatly sentimental to me. It doesn't erase my relationship with Paul, though. It is not/was not my identity. I would be able to live w/out it. After all, I am not my things. None of us are, but so many of us believe that our worth is in what we own, what we have. Many people believe that just because some people don't own the best, they are not worthy of conversation, love, or courtesy.

I brought up the above quote for the simple fact that the subject was actually a story about a lady who lost her grandmother's ring. She lost it, but in turn learned that she was not her things. She learned that "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

Three is the Magic Number

Avery turns 3 on Thursday. I can't believe it was that many years ago that we were in the delivery room, her arrival just a few seconds away. I remember vividly that we were talking about the Mavs in the playoffs, explaining how the name "Avery" wasn't for Avery Johnson and watching the coverage of the pope's inauguration. "We" meaning my doctor and myself. LOL! This pregnancy and delivery was way more "fun" than with Maddie. I was feeling great and ready to see my Avy Faith.
Here are some Avery-isms that have been memorable the past week:

1. There's a thunder monster under my bed! (referring to the thunderstorm)

2. Mama, I so proud of you, baby girl. ( not sure what I did, but she was repeating what I always tell her)

3. Am I gonna have my pahty (party) at the pahk (park)? Can we go in the cah(car)?

4. Chahley's (Charley) a bobcat, mom! (she learned this British accent that she continually uses in sporadic places)

5. Why does the cow go moo, moo, moo? (I don't know.) POPCORN!

6. What's the cow's favorite snack? (I don't know. ) POPCORN!

We've just embarked on the potty training era of our lives once more. Hopefully, it will not be a long drawn out process. Our days are now full of timers, potties in select styles, panties of all sorts, stickers, sticker charts and wipes - lots and lots of wipes. :)

Here's to my crazy, stunning, fun girl, Avery ~ I love you madly, too, sister!

Who's Weight Is This?

I'm blogging after an extra hard workout today. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've tailored my workout plan, eating, and lifestyle to work around a medication free body. I've been working out a minimum of 6 days a week, began lifting weights and have been doing a specific ab workout daily. I know lifting weights usually adds muscle and I know that it takes some time to shed extra lbs.

I bought a scale today against my better judgment only to find that I'm exactly the same as I was the day I went to the dr. I look in the mirror and down at the scale asking myself the same question over and over.....WHO'S WEIGHT IS THIS?! How can this be my body? How do I sculpt it back to the one I knew a few years ago?
It discourages me, it disgusts me, it motivates me, it WILL come off eventually.
Who's with me in this battle? Anyone willing to be accountability buddies?

My goal is to lose 20 lbs for now. Well, see how that works out for me (pun intended)..........

Who Have You Seen Lately?

I decided today I would join all those materialistic, star-gazed people who adore celebrities and forget that they, too, are human. :)

I've been thinking of doing a blog like this for some time. It seems to be an everyday thing - celebrity spotting - now that we live in the metroplex. I thought I'd account for you some of the people we've encountered while we've been here. Chances are you know them or have seen them, too!

1. Dirk Nowitzki - today Paul called me while driving home from work to report that he spotted Dirk driving around Frisco in his German-made Mercedes with a license plate that reads: MAVS41. If you know my husband, you know what a big deal this was, even if he was only able to glance at the tall, blonde driver.

2. Deion Sanders - he lives about 5 miles down the road. We pass his multi-million dollar mansion every time we go to the mall or to the health food market. Once we saw them filming him driving down the road. I use to adore Deion in all of his glory with the Dallas Cowboys. That was until I witnessed his unkind reception of young fans. I have students who know students who go to his house, or whose parents visit with him often. Word is that he's pretty much the same now, too. Catch a glimpse of his world in the new Oxygen show "Prime Time Love" which airs on Tuesdays at 9:30 pm. I'm certain one time will be all you need. Am I marketing for him? Nah, I just thought you'd like to see just how big of an ego he really does have even if he is the producer. :)

3. Omar Stoutmire - technically we didn't see him, but his wife and kids at the local park. That was the day Avery said "The Cowboys suck" in response to his wife's comment that he played for the Cowboys. Interestingly, enough his wife, Sheila, is a personal trainer for many including my Sunday School co-worker. She invited me to join them this summer for a full on boot camp. Ouch! My muscles already hurt!

4. Dan Campbell - about a year ago, we were all shopping and wasting time at SuperTarget. The girls were famished (yeah right) and so we stopped at the snack area for some popcorn and a drink. While Paul was standing in line, he realized as only a sports fanatic would that Dan was standing right in front of him with his own kids. Paul peered through people to watch them eat their pizza and then when Dan rose to leave, Paul jetted over to shake his hand. What a gracious man, he was, especially when Paul thought he was Jason Witten. ;)

5. Anthony Lynn - he is a former running back and now assistant coach for the Cleveland Browns. He spent some time on the Dallas Cowboys coaching staff as well. Oddly enough, a few years ago after my parents had moved to NM, we continued hearing about this particular "friend" my mom made. That friend was the mother-in-law of Anthony. His son is a senior this year and is a dynamic football player.

6. Craig James - now a college football commentator for CBS, among other things. He's played football, reported sports, but mainly is a great supporter of his children and their activities. He attends our home church and I was greatly touched by his ability to report games miles across the country and still be at church on Sunday with his family. I've taught 2 of his children and his wife was my substitute when I was out on maternity leave. He's an all around great guy and his family is just as great!

Well, that's about it for now - I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting - like Randy White, who we saw mowing his lawn and Joe Alvazono, who just opened a sports bar in the area (see the sports theme here?). I thought I'd share with you something I found recently on a website for the surrounding area:

You may be lucky enough to see LeAnn Rimes gallivanting around town as she owns a luxury home in Prosper.

To be honest, I don't think I've seen anyone ever gallivanting around any town - ever, but these are way more sightings than I was ever exposed to in that little West Texas town where I grew up. ;)

Space to Grow

What a week! Since my acceptance of my new job and duties for next year, I've been involved in more meetings than I ever thought possible. It has been a change for me - being around adults more than teens. It's a whole new territory for me.

Our district is actively looking for a new principal and I've been involved in small ways with that, too. The loss of our current principal is one that I take hard as my new video tech program is really his vision that I've agreed to carry out. He's leaving education to go into the ministry. It's a calling for him, just as taking this new position was a "calling" for me. I wish him the best of luck, but his absence will be felt for a while.

One other big change in our lives is actually quite small. We spent the weekend moving the girls into their own rooms. They've shared a room for almost 3 years. There have been hugs, tears, fights, yelling, and love, but the closeness was always there. However, Maddie made the decision to change up the sleeping arrangements. We'd painted out playroom with the thought that eventually she'd take that as her own room. However, for a whole year she resisted b/c she felt it was too far away from mine and Paul's room.

After watching an episode of John and Kate + 8, she looked at me and I knew it was time. So, after 5 hours of moving furniture, cleaning out toys, drawers, and movies - they each had their own space for the first time since we've been a family of 4.

Paul and I decided to leave Avery's toddler bed up until she decided she was ready for the "big girl" bed that Maddie had used since she was 3. We thought by summer she'd be ready, especially with turning 3 and soon to be potty training. When we asked if she'd like to sleep in the big bed, her answer was a solid "no" and we'd accepted that. Time for bed came and she did not hesitate to let us know that she was a big girl now and would be sleeping in the big girl bed.

Funny how nature works. Spring time is my favorite season because of all the newness that comes with it. New beginnings, new adventures, new growth. Once we have a little space to stretch our arms and legs, we are able to grow to heights we'd never expected.

Is Girl Your Favorite Word, Too?

As embarrassing as it might be, I was a huge NKOTB fan from the time I was in Jr. High until I reached driving age. I had the videos, the CD's, the t-shirt, and all the albums. I could even tell you particular people's favorite kid (for example classmate Connie Rios' fav was Jordan) - mine was Joe McIntyre. I know I drove my parents crazy with all those Teen Beat Magazines that they bought just so I could post all the posters I could find all over my walls.

Reflecting on this is always comical to me. I remember actually thinking that I would marry Joe one day. Ha! You can't say I didn't have faith. :)

Tonight, I happened to turn on the TV at the right moment. I saw a clip of NKOTB on the Today Show discussing their reunion after 20 years. How awkward to see all of the "kids" who are really older than me now (31) all together again. But I will admit that a tinge of excitement hit me and I smiled.

5 minutes later I'd located 3 of my old VHS tapes and popped them in the VCR. For the next hour, the girls and I were singing and dancing the night away. I looked up and Paul was laughing at us without breathing. lol! I never noticed before how many times they have the word "girl" either in the title, in the first few lines, or in the chorus. Madison even pointed it out and said "Mom, are all their songs about girls?"

To quote a fellow Connick/MySpace friend: "If they tour I'm going. I don't care how much BIGGER of a dork this statement makes me."

Here are some of my fav songs (and, yes, I now realize how many ways there are to make fun of them) :

Right Stuff
Hangin' Tough
Please Don't Go Girl
Tonight
Cover Girl
I'll Be Loving You Forever
Didn't I Blow Your Mind?
My Favorite Girl
This One's For the Children
Baby I Believe in You
I Remember When
Where Do I Go From Here
Call It What You Want
Time Is On Our Side


NKOTBFFL signing off.............

I'm Good!

Just a quick update regarding health -

Wow. It's been 4 days since I started my 2 week detox plan and I feel excellent! I think I've lost about 3 lbs since Wednesday and have had more energy than ever. Today I did the laundry, the dishes, cleaned out 2 closets, and cooked twice! This is a big, big deal. The meds I was on caused my life to be completely different. I just can't believe it took me 18 months to figure out what I was missing!

Lovin' life........

Overweight Tisha vs. Skinny Tisha

Ha! The title actually cracks me up. I cannot believe I'm really throwing out this topic on my blog. Have I no shame? Yes, but I know that my message/experience might help someone else. Thus, the reason for my blog title today. Buckle up and hang on.......

Life Recap

Skinny Tisha - high school, college, in between pregnancies

Overweight Tisha - pregnancies, post pregnancies, and now

Tisha has Crohn's disease - diagnosed at 11 - flare ups common

I'm not going to lie - My current weight is scary. (no I will not reveal it here) First off, I pride myself in my eating and exercising habits. I shop for only the good stuff to put into my body at places like Sprouts, Whole Foods, and Natural Health Market. I workout at least 4 times a week at 30 minutes each time. I stay away from all sodas and most junk food. I will have the occasional chocolate treat, though. (who doesn't?)

It sounds like since I'm not pregnant and live a semi-healthy life that I should be in tip top shape, right?

Wrong. To no avail I haven't lost a single pound. For the last six months, I've gained a total of 5 lbs/month. I, for the life of me, couldn't figure out why. I was close to beating my head against a brick wall. So, last week it all finally clicked and I had that so-called "Aha" moment. All the weight gain, severe headaches, and my over occurrences of Crohn's flare ups have most likely been caused by a particular medication that I've been taking. (e-mail me if you want to inquire more) That's the only thing it could POSSIBLY be. After a little research, I found that many, many, many others were having the same if not WORSE side effects from this particular drug. This is not good. Many of them were seeing their drs only to be told it was "in their head" and would prescribe them MORE medication for whatever side effects the first medication was causing. Seem a little off to you? Me, too. So, I decided my next step was to rid myself of this medication.

Today I had a visit with the dr. and discussed my concerns. I'm glad to report I'm now officially off the meds. My mind is more at ease now and I can work on finding the body and "Tisha" I once before knew. I know the drs know way more than I do, but for once I'm taking my own health into my own hands and looking for some alternatives to the regular Rx we are usually suggested to take.

Overweight Tisha has noticed a real difference in the way she's treated in public now as opposed to how Skinny Tisha was treated in those same places. I'm sure many of you have been in this exact position. Isn't it sad that weight really has that much to do with judgment and the level of friendliness or help you receive?

Aha! Maybe the reason for obesity ISN'T just that people aren't making good choices with food. Maybe, just possibly these people are like me. Trusting of their physicians knowledge and taking many things that are altering that person's body makeup despite the excellent lifestyle they live.

I don't know about you, but I have only one body and I'm the ONLY advocate for the good stuff that I put in there. I have learned a lot through this experience. I've started a body cleansing regimen and am back on the road to a healthier lifestyle! I hope you are, too! :)

Gratitude Generates Greatness

Today, I find myself sitting at my dining room table by myself in silence. I'm so thankful for the time to sit with myself and with nothing going on around me. I hear the clock ticking and the birds chirping and the light sound of my fingers touching the keyboard. Later, I found myself at Starbucks (alone) in silence, breathing, listening, breathing, watching, breathing, sitting. I am finally learning the art of being present; being "still," if you will.

I've finished my reading of A New Earth. I am ready to re-read it because each time I pick it up to refer back to a quote or a chapter, I take something new from the reading. This book, in addition to many other books, has helped me to re-shape my life, my thoughts, my attitudes. No matter your religion or beliefs, this book is more than those labels; more than those words. It transcends all of those stereotypes and points to the truth of living and being in the present moment at all times. This, in turn, allows my relationships to prosper, my friendships to prosper, enhances all the contacts that I have with people and allows me to become closer to those that I love. I'm beginning to believe that our attitude, our sense of awareness in turn generates a sense of peace in our lives and with our interactions with other people. Those people will pick up our energy before they will "buy into" our words.

An example of this is my ongoing battle with Avery's eating, potty training, or sleeping habits. When I'm reactive, angry, upset with her when she's screaming, or resisting, she just screams later and more often and resists more. I've learned that when I react to her with that negative energy she returns it back to me 10 fold. I think that we all have found ourselves in this encounter with our children, our family, or maybe our co-workers.

I reflect back to my interview for my new position. They asked me "What makes you different from the other candidates? Why do you stand out?" My answer was encircled around my already mentioned technology experience, but I added that my attitude is one thing that makes me stand out. I've had many things happen in my lifetime and many people would have thrown in the towel and taken the other road. I decided to keep my attitude of gratitude and lift myself higher. Attitude is everything.

When push comes to shove I can usually find something good about a situation. My reading of A New Earth just reinforced that thought process and pushed me to a little higher level as far as my awareness. I'm more aware now of what I say to others, what I ask, what I do, how I go about doing it, what's making me unhappy, what's making my body act crazy. I've become more aware of other things, too. I rethink the things I'm putting into my body and listening to it more than ever. If my gut says that XYZ aren't good for me, then I find another alternative, food, medicine, or method. I didn't always do this and have decided that for the most part I have done XYZ because that is what I was taught, what I watched, or what I believed was the "only way." I simply have been following the "crowd" instead of thinking on my own or trusting my instinct.

So, here I am now, a little more aware, a little more peaceful, and a lot more "still."

Pictures!

After the Haircut


Happy Easter!


Father-Daughter 2008



YUCK!



Picture Day



Our First Outing Just the 2 of Us (before the haircut)



Elmo 2008



Beauty

Whoa!

What is going on with me lately? One minute I'm a content HS teacher and the next I'm throwing fear overboard and doing all sorts of crazy things. First a new job, now a new cut.

I cut my hair. Normally, this wouldn't be a very big deal for me. In my younger days, I always was proud of the fact that I was fearless and would try new hairstyles every few months.

As I've gotten into my 30's, I have found that I feel more comfortable and secure with my longer locks. But then yesterday I really started evaluating my reasoning for this and came the the conclusion that I have been hiding behind my hair and the fear of branching out.

So, this morning I took the leap and cut all my hair off. Well, not all of it, but most of it. Eeek! I feel naked and as though my identity has been taken away. :)

Truthfully, I'm not identified by my hair, my looks, my car, my job, my house, or anything else for that matter. Just like everyone, it's easy to fall into those labels and just get attached to them.

I realize, though, that all of those things are just the outer part and a small portion of my true being.

I am so much more than my hair. :)

Rainy Days

Today brought about silly moods, remembrance of childhood, new memories and a new tile floor!

We are enjoying our break from school this week and I'm making a promise to you all that I will get some new pics up from our Elmo show, the father-daughter dance, and mine and Maddie's fun at the Dollar Store. :)

Yesterday ,the girls and I set out for a trip to the book store and the library. Madison and Avery watched Nancy Drew on DVD the other day and it sparked up conversation of the mystery series of books that I use to read back in "the day." (The Babysitter Club, The Boxcar Children)

We had a nice time looking for the perfect book for her and Avery. Then, we pulled into Wendy's for nuggets and salad and decided to take advantage of the nice day (before the rain) and use the cute little tables at the Frisco library. Fun!

After we found a bag full of books and successfully mastered to self check-out we headed for home and took NAPS! :) This is great excitement for me, because I so rarely get to take advantage of extra time sleeping.

This morning we woke up early to thunderstorms. We were lucky enough to get rain all day. Not so bad, except that the tile work crew showed up at 10 and didn't leave until 7 pm. We couldn't leave and only had a few rooms to hang out in. However, the new tile looks magnificent and we're so glad we had it done, finally. I'm pretty certain the old tile was original with the building of the house and in BAD shape. Tomorrow morning we'll be able to shower and step out onto some nice, cold tile instead of old, torn, linoleum.

When Paul arrived home from work, Madison and I quickly assessed the situation and decided we needed to leave for an outing. We were all getting cranky from being inside in the same room all day. ;) So we jumped in the Jeep with our flip flops and took a trip to the post office! We then decided to branch out and go to the Dollar Store. We spent a good 30 minutes checking out all the fun, new items. One special treasure we found was a candle. "Campbell's Soup Tomato" candle. I took a whiff and then decided I must've thrown up in my mouth a little. YUCK! I took pictures b/c I knew no one would believe that this was something that was actually up for sale. (I'll post later as evidence)

We then moved on to our local grocery store to look for a highlighter/post it pen. No luck. We ended up with Peanuts band-aides instead.

Our last stop was the Shell. We needed to use the bathroom and get some gum before heading home. By this time Madison was way over the top in her giggly mood and I realized I'd succeeded at making a usually boring outing fun. *sigh* We only spent $10, but made a lifelong memory together.

Maddie confirmed this, "Mom, I like the way you think."

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

Last week, I began working on a "project." An opportunity presented itself for me to apply for a position with my current school district for a newly created position. The position would be for the Elementary Technology Specialist. This person would be available to teach professional development, help teachers implement the newly learned technology in their classes, and attend conferences to learn more about technology and what our schools might need. I wrestled with the decision to apply or not, but after discussing it with Paul and the girls, went ahead and sent in my resume and application letter. The 2nd step in the process was to create an example lesson to present and answer a series of questions during an interview. I put a lot of work and thought into the lesson and have been working on it a lot the past week.

I enjoy teaching so very, very much, but I'm excited about the opportunity to expand my knowledge in the technology field.

I interviewed on Tuesday with my own principal, Mr. Oldham, and the other 4 principals in the district, as well as the technology director and the curriculum director.

Yesterday, Mr. Oldham, came by and offered me the position. I accepted. I will be working at the Elementary 1/2 the time and will still be teaching one class at the new high school next year: a video technology and broadcasting class.

Not teaching full time is bittersweet for me. The students have enriched my life in ways they will never, ever know. This has been a difficult week for me in a sense because they are signing up for 08-09 classes in my English classes. I've already shed some tears, and hugs, but have also shared moments of joy with them, as well. They, too, are my family. :)

It's definitely a win-win for me. I am able to still work with my high school family and mentors, still have contact with students in class, and will be able to expand my technology knowledge and use my CIS degree in a much different way.

I'm incredibly nervous and scared about this new position, but I know that doors open and others close for many reasons that are never immediately known to us. Here's to new challenges and new opportunities!

"Change is the most constant thing about life."

Friends through Good and Bad......

Without our friends, we would be hard pressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when we include our friends in the full story of our life—the good, the bad, and the ugly—we build authentic relationships in which we can be who we truly are. When we do this, we invite our friends to bring their whole selves to the relationship as well.

I thought this was especially appropriate for me today, as I have a sick girl at home, am preparing for 2 major projects this week that could determine my next few years and still trying to keep up with home renovations and school lessons.

Thanks again Kim and Jen for being such a great blessing in my life and my family's life during ALL times. Big Love! Here's to you both, as well as all the other people out there who've lent an ear, a hand, and a brain when I was losing mine!

Small Powerful Words of Wisdom

"Your heart tells you where you need to go."

On the way home from school today, Madison said, "Mom, I thought of something today. Your heart tells you where you need to go."

I thought about it for a second and realized that her thought seemed to align up perfectly with what I'm reading in A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. This book has far outweighed the expectations of Oprah and Tolle. I was one of the people who tuned in Monday night for the first world-wide Internet class and I have to say that being able to hear so many different perspectives was a powerful thing. So many people are gaining more insight about themselves and yet there are others who are not convinced that Tolle's book is in alignment with their beliefs. My experience with the book is that it is a gift to myself and to all the relationships I have in my life. It has helped me better to see my negative qualities in a more constructive light and it has given me an inner motivation that I've never before witnessed in myself.

What I'm learning is that religion and spirituality are not the same thing. We are not our beliefs. We can believe many things that probably will differ from others, but we will never be truly defined by what we believe. For example, people can attend church every time the door is open. That act alone does not make them "spiritual." Many times the people I see/know at church are trying so hard to "act" like a Christian, but mostly their actions and words come across as judgment or superiority. I've attended several churches in my life of several different denominations and I've found this to be true of all of them as institutions. Their beliefs definitely do not align with their actions, thoughts, or words. To clarify, I do not mean that all people give off this energy, but many do.


In order to truly follow your heart, I believe that you have to find your peace. Yours is different than mine and mine different than the next persons. Someone asked me the other day: "How exactly do you find peace? Does it just come to you?"

I think if you continually seek it out, it will be harder to attain. Usually peace comes to you through some difficult time in your life. Here's one interpretation of being at peace: Being at peach with ourselves is not about denying or rejecting any part of ourselves. On the contrary, in order to be at peace we must be willing and able to hold ourselves, in all our complexity, in a full embrace that excludes nothing. This is perhaps the most difficult part for many of us, because we want so much to disown the negative aspects of our humanity.

My thought is that if people would follow their hearts, their souls, their peace, then they would be able to move through life (with life) and appreciate their moments, their relationships, their characteristics, their loved ones, their life, and themselves.

We should all be able to take a day....

and be overwhelmed and cry and sit in acknowledgment of being mentally tired, right?

Well, today was my day. I have so much on my plate right now and had to take a day to acknowledge that fact, take a step back, breathe, and take one thing at a time. Granted, I found myself sitting in the laundry room, folding towels, but in that moment I accepted my frustration and let myself work through it. I'm not physically tired. I could run 5 miles if I had to. I'm mentally tired. Tired of the constant inner struggle with myself about what is a priority and what should be a priority. Someone close to me says that all I don't have a list of priorities - all of my priorities are #1 and #2-#10 are left blank. Very insightful.

I, honestly, did not know how difficult it would be to be a working mom. My mom, for the most part, was home with me for my entire life. She did work when I was younger, but I don't remember it at all. There are days that I feel as though I'm surrounded by people who aren't having this same struggle. Isn't the feeling of understanding all we want as a human beings when we find ourself in great distress? The feeling of being alone with no one around in our same situation is frustrating. Much of the aloneness comes from within.

Today, I just wanted someone to understand. Paul has a difficult time understanding what I'm saying because he thinks of things in a different way; he probably thinks of things in the typical "guy" way. I feel I have to have my A-game on at all times either as wife/parent or teacher. I feel that when I'm at home, work is pulling me away and when I'm at work, home stuff is pulling me away. There's one day a week that I am able to put school aside and not think about it. The past two Saturdays, though, have been full of things that need to be done so that I will have free time on Sundays. Therefore, it's finally catching up with me.

I know myself well enough to know that February/March are the months when I feel the most spent. This year is no different and with a few more responsibilities on my plate than usual, I'm extra stressed. I can see that in 10 more weekdays I'll be ready for sleeping in and a few pajama days with the girls.

Until then, I will continue to clear my mind in all possible ways, stay focused on one thing at a time, and remember this: I will not be lost in my mind. I will rather root myself in being.